I remember watching my mother practicing sun salutations, crows and handstands, yet finding it super boring as a child. In general, I considered everything my mother did boring and lame that time. The fact that I was part of a gymnastics club, which constantly told me that I had to lose weight when in fact I had a six pack and was at a normal weight didn’t really help to improve my relationship towards my body or dance or anything acrobatic either. Neither did it improve my relationship with my mother, which I’ve resented completely until recently. I guess I felt a lot of resentment against her which I managed to turn into forgiveness. Parents make mistakes, and I guess the fact that she was suffering from an ED, and depression wasn’t helping her mind to be more compassionate.
Anyways, fast forward to when I was 18. I started doing meditation and I had an open mind towards ‘spirituality’, and in February this year I was looking for a sport where I could work with my body, acknowledge it the way it is and free myself from bad thoughts and traumas. I was tired of going to the gym, which always left me with a more troubled mind than before. I was tired of the omnipresent gym culture, the approach faster, stronger, better it takes. Fuck that mate. Don’t get me wrong. I understand that the gym can be a great place to let go for some people, however, I wasn’t really in that condition, and am not in it up to present-day. I was looking for something more enjoyable, something which didn’t have to do with my body, since I have been suffering from an eating disorder and body image issues myself. I’ve had enough of thinking about how my body was supposed to look like. I’ve had enough of people telling me what to do, how to be. Or, to be honest, I guess it was more my own mind telling me what I had to do. It was my negative chatter at the end of the day and my perception of everyone around me. I just wanted to be and sweat, and create beautiful poses, just using my body in a manner in which it was supposed to be used. Honoring it, treating it well and asking it for forgiveness for being so mad at it. For all these years.
And after only one single class of yoga, I was seriously hooked. It felt like it was THE THING I had been looking for for years. After that first session I went to class day after day and kept practicing. Despite the fact that my wrists started to hurt, I had an injured ankle and one wrist was also injured. I just kept doing one armed, and one legged downward dogs. At this point I also have to mention, the crush I had on my yoga teacher did help to keep me going to classes, lol. I was so motivated because of the state of mind I could reach through yoga. I just loved the clarity of each class, of each pose. And my extremely hot yoga teacher, with a super smooth voice. Everything felt like it belonged together. Yoga felt like the combination of wisdom and sweating my ass off, all added up in one hour. It was like the lover I had been looking for, wise and making me feel good after I saw him/her. Yoga, not my teacher. Every pose taught me so much about myself. And at the end of the day, everything seemed to make so much more sense to me. So, enough, of yoga flirting – You can see for yourself if you will fall in love with it or not once you’ve tried out a class.
Last but not least, yoga has helped me in freeing my voice. What I mean by that?
Yoga helped me to free all the layers of insecurity I have covered myself in. Which I considered comfortable. But at the end of the day, they are just crushing your soul. Comfort zones is usually never where we find long-term joy in. By freeing ourselves we must be willing to go through pain, through truth. To be able to get to bliss. Yoga has helped me to change my mind, to open a space of understanding and compassion inside myself. And allowing myself to use my space, and to take up space. I know so many people, women especially, who struggle with taking up space with their voices, with their bodies. We have this feeling that we just are supposed to be quiet and fit in whatever society wants us to be, or we believe have to be. IF we are skinny, we are a skinny bitch, if we are fat, we need to lose weight. If we have big boobs or a big ass, we are too sexual. If we are smart, we need to loosen up more. Mate, enough of this! Let’s use our space, our body and our gifts. Every one of us. This is what yoga has taught me to appreciate, my space and body. I highly encourage you to try it for yourself. Also, please don’t think you need to be flexible for yoga. Yoga is about accepting and respecting your body as it is. EVERYONE can do yoga. To sum up, Yoga has changed my relationship towards myself and taught me to be kinder and more compassionate with myself. If you dig that, dig into crow pose, mate.
Namaste. Over & out.